Remotivated!

So today i went to Starbucks to study early in the afternoon. When this fat girl comes in and starts talking out loud to one of her friends about how shes seeing this guy, but doesnt want to date him because he has some baby momma drama and stuff like that. i was like wow does the fucking world need to know that? on top of that...her friend asked her "oh what about the other guy that you were seeing?" she replied "i left him because when he kissed me, he was like slobbering all over me and i didnt like that" so yea. WTF IS THAT!!!!???! ruin my whole day. he was slobbering on your mouth because probably you still had some flavoring on your lips from the feast you had the hour before. Im not hating on fat people, because hey im not the most in shape either. Im just saying man lower your voice and keep that shit between you and your friend.

The title of my blog is remotivated....I think i have found my jump start for this semester. I just got done reading like 10 minutes ago so around 1:15ish. Today also at starbucks i was reading on where to place the leads for an ECG. I was on a page where there was a picture of a man with the leads and stuff. This guy walks up to me and points to the picture saying in spanish thats a man's body. and i said yea. he looked about in his 30's. He asked me what i was studying for. I said nursing school. Im going to be a nurse...he didnt understand me at first. But he said not a doctor but those people that help the doctors right? i said yea. Then he grabbed his walker because i can tell by his stance that he was wobbling and needed something to hold him up. He patted me on the back and he said something in spanish. At first i didnt understand what he said. I asked him what that meant...he said MAY GOD BLESS YOU. Just to hear him say that to me was very nice. it made my day....no kris im not gay or anything..haha you and your dirty mind, but yea. For him to say that means to me that somewhere in his past a nurse really made an impact on his life. Thats the main reason i wanted to do nursing. to make an impact on people's lives.


those were just 4 words and in an instance, it has motivated me to finish my school now. It has put me in a different mind set.

bring it on....


Nurse B

So yea i woke up today @ 9:44 am. Didnt get that much sleep. I ended up sleeping @ around 3:06 am for some freaking reason. I was tired. I was tired, i was overwhelmed by the expectation of advanced med surg 3. She stated yesterday, people usually average a freaking C in her class, i looked at the breakdown and yea her midterm and final are well she said are going to basically be the nclex questions. FFFUUUUCCCKKKK! i have to step it up this semester. We went over freaking dysrhythmmias today...i hate that shit but i have to admit shes a really good teacher. She explains everything well, but well see how good she is after i take the test. So yea i also have her for clinicals and she said..."be ready to be busy and have fun at the same time. You're going to see alot at St. Francis". She showed us a picture of a case in the ER where the Dr. had to open the patient's chest and had to CPR directly on the patient's heart....man thats fucking tight. I cant wait.

But yea anyways after school i came home and went to go play vball since my mom didnt want me to do anything and i definitely didnt want to study yet. So yea i played vball and got kinda tired. Got some advice from friends today about the situation...so thank you for that. i appreciate your point of views. i think im willing to accept one thing at least. But yea i didnt get any sleep because today would of been our monthly anni. I coulda been @ her dorm celebrating it with her @ 12 instead of just calling...but yea that didnt happen. I still love her and probably will for a very long time. some people at the ADN program said man you lost weight...i was like uhh yea i guess i did, but i havent really had an appetite after that incident so yea. I realized that im out of that sad phase kinda and into that anger phase...not at her but at that fucker. i wanted to go outside and start punching my punching bag @ 2:30 because i was getting restless. I was also wondering and some thoughts.....

-i wonder if you told him you like him and what his reaction was...haha i wonder if hes going to visit your dorm and you two will have your alone time
-wonder if hes the one you text/call at night/throughout the day instead of me....replacing me cuz if thats the case should i even have any hope?
-wonder when your going to realize your mistake and do something about it
-i wonder when you do talk to him, if you forget me and how much it hurt me when you talked to him or went on a date with him
-it sucks how you shouldnt of even have to wonder in the first place
-man maybe i wouldnt feel so overwhelmed if you were there for me this semester.
-i wonder how long its going to take to get over me feeling hurt
-i wonder if she knows that i feel like her backup...someone that she goes back to when something doesnt work out with that other person.
-i asked kris if our family would hate her...he said no because they really never really got to spend time with her...and its true in a sense. I mean if you did spend more time with the family you wouldnt feel so awkward around them.

i have to study today so i had to get that all of my chest and mind or else i wouldnt be able to focus on school. I swear this blog is making up for me talking to you at night. Im still use to calling you and telling you watsup, but i guess this blog will do.


i hate school, i miss her.



Ima try and tear advanced med surg 3 a new asshole..

till next time.

Summer has come and gone so fast. It seemed like it was last week when i just got out of pediatrics. I think this past summer was not as good as i wanted it to be but i cant change any of that. I loved spending every moment with my family and missed every moment that i wasnt with michelle or could be with her. This semester is going to be hard...who can i turn to when i need another opinion about a nursing subject? i wont be able to hear that voice that i fell in love with and that puts me at ease at night. who am i going to text through out the day when i want to be distracted instead of listening to lecture? I wonder when you're going to realize your mistake and tell me. I have to stay strong and hope that she realizes her mistake. Her mom texted me about how my mom took the news and i told her that she was shocked and angry at first, but we got in an argument and she told me yea you guys should just be friends for now. I mean i got mad at my mom because she doesnt see other people's views and just goes on from there. I wasnt mad at the way she was feeling because im pretty sure if i was the one who liked someone else while being with someone that i loved, your parents would castrate my nuts. I wish you luck with your studies and i pray for your safety and your family. I want nothing but the best for you. I wish i was there for you and i wish that you were here with me. I love you and still miss you..

This is my last semester of my grueling 2 year nursing program. I have to step it up. I have been in lazy mode for the past month. Im so behind schedule. I was suppose to be done with my nclex review book but things didnt add up. Either i wasnt in the mood, or i was hanging out with my friends. I wanna thank my friends, you know who u guys are, for salvaging most of my summer. I was watching Allyssa and Jazmin's game and they won but what was really cool was to see Jameson walking. Hahaha that made my day! hes cute. He came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder and looked at me like...hey i need something. Ethan was funny too as usual. man kids are funny and ethan's underbite haha. We have cardiac problems and arrhythmmias for this weeks lecture. Great one of my weakest subjects. I was refreshing my mind with medication calculations and fuck i couldnt remember for the longest time how to set things up. but i think i got it so hopefully im good for tom.

On the days i had nothing to do...i rented movies. I played guitar, started to sing alil bit more but not that much. I watched license to wed and it was an ok movie, but they cancelled the wedding because they found out stuff about each other and in the end they were hugging and they said ill be more this and ill change this and that...i want to see what really happened. if they did change and lived happily ever after.

Man if they say a flap of a butterfly's wing can alter the future, i wonder what would happen if a major thing happened? i obviously know that yes it would change the immediate future, but like what if that major event like ruined your chances of winning the lottery in the very late future. So i say just go with the flow.

The olympics were awesome to watch. It was nice to see phelps, men's volleyball indoor and outdoor, and men's basketball won gold.


Thank you for telling me that someone didnt pass their nclex and thanks for remembering that i dont like him, but im not going to tell my mom because i dont want to start shit when i havent even graduated from nursing school yet. But thank you....

Well here goes....im diving into my last semester of nursing school. I know its almost over and i have to stay focused more than ever before. I pray that God will guide me through this semester and to watch over my family and friends. I love u guys...

till next time...whenever that may be.

so yea i havent blogged in two or three days? i dont know how long its been. So lets see...

-current feelings: Deep down inside im still hurt. At least some progress is that i stopped drinking so far and dont have to depend on my nightly drinking to go to bed. I know that schools coming up and i shouldnt be drinking cuz im probably going to be on coffee or energy drinks. I know that i was suppose to go help michelle move in tom. Her mom even asked me if i wanted to. I told her yes i do but i cant. I know that deep down its going to hurt just seeing her because im going to picture me and that fucker inside michelle's head. I still love and really miss her. My mom asked me "do you want me to set you up with somebody?" i said "No" within a second. Then she said "yea you should just focus on your school". i said "yea". thats not the real reason why i didnt want to get setup with someone. I think that i can make new friends but other than that...its gunna be a while for me to heal. This semester is going to be lonely...not in the sense im not going to have anyone, but in the sense after almost two years into nursing school, michelle wont be there for me. I cant ask her for any help. I wanted to finish my nursing school off with her with me by my side, but man...what just one summer can do. I also got a text from her mom saying that you know she just likes this guy but she still loves you. I responded by saying..if she loves me, then why couldnt she choose between me or him? i mean i thought that there should be no hesitation to choose. I mean i know i mentioned this before in one of my recent posts but yea thats one of the foundations of me being hurt. whenever i drive around, i always see couples walking around holding hands and just being together...man thats all i wanted over my last summer.....to spend it with you. Kris and kristine are meant for each other.

-i watched pineapple express today with kris and i thot that it was funny because it was random and shit ahaha
-also got a haircut a couple of days ago so i guess its more proper for the hospital
-i just want to spend the last days of summer relaxing


till my next post...

Bren

Life is still the same, i still feel the same, except i only drank once tonight. I guess im just too tired to drink. I also went to 24 to play vball with kris and kristian. Kristine was there too working out. I guess playing vball helped a little bit, i mean it distracted me for a couple of hours. thanks kris, kristian, and kristine.

-still love and miss her...

-"Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder" this song makes me think of her

-i wonder what shes doing to try and sort things out.
-I also wonder how or if she will make it up to me?

-kris was right when he said that its going to take a while to get over what happened and the time i need to heal.

thats all for tonight...im tired

Brennan

Well, i havent been feeling any better, just spurts of happiness thanks to kris and kristian....i really appreciate what you guys do for me...but reality still kicks back in. i have moved past the anger stage and have slipped into the sad/depressed/ whatever your want to call it stage. i have no idea how to cope so i started to drink 3 nights ago ever since that day. I have also been losing sleep so I must say it helps by depressing my body and forcing me to become tired, but i know that in the end i should not have to depend on it. I havent drank so much in a long ass time. Tonight i drank 3.5 Guniess beers which are kinda strong, but yea i wasnt as dizzy. Usually im out with 2 but yea I think that my alcohol tolerance has built up these past nights. Yesterday we came home @ 130 pm because my dad was called to overtime. So we woke up @ 6 am and cleaned up the whole house and i drove the whole way. It was around 230 that i decided to try and nap. I remember that i was tossing and turning not even a little bit in a sleep stage. I finally fell asleep for only 30 minutes. so tonight i was worried that i wasnt going to sleep well thats why i bought some beer to help me. Man being depressed and 21 is not a good combination. Well today i remembered that i had to buy new guitar strings and that i was going to go with Michelle to buy them at Samash. So when i got dressed, tears came down my face because it reminded me of her again. I think that crying even if only for a coupe of seconds will help me get through the days. So i went to Samash and just bought it already so that i wouldnt have had to think about it as much. Today i didnt even bother to do my hair, i usually have my hair spiked up or styled, but today was different.....i didnt give a fuck about my appearance. Anyways back to Samash. I bought the guitar strings for my electrical guitar and my acoustic, even though my acoustic is perfectly intact, i figured with my luck these days my strings are going to snap off. when i came home i honestly didnt want to do anything at all....i wanted to lay down in my bed for the rest of the afternoon, but i was really restless. I felt like i needed to do something...so i changed my electrical guitar strings and played. I love my guitar...its been a big stress reliever ever since ive learned how to play guitar sophomore year in high school but today it wasnt working for some reason. I would play a beautiful chord and then the next one would sound like shit and i would try to find the right chord again and again...it got frustrating. i guess i just have alot on my mind right now to just be focusing on guitar. My mom asked me why i was sad...i answered with a "well what do u think". I dont think i can deal with my parents and them giving me advice with relationships because ultimately....their views back then are so much different from our views today and its my life.

fucking great...i have school and clinicals next week. I wonder if school will cause me more stress and cause me to drink more @ night to help me forget the pain and stress? I do wonder how long it will take you to figure things out? I mean kris brought up a good point saying that if it took a long time then thats a red flag.

-im 50-50 should i stay or should i go

-Man i still love her....


im finally tired

Brennan

I have felt depressed, lonely, angry, hurt( mainly the first four) , hopeful, prayerful, any emotion you can think of, i have felt within the past two days. Its been like an emotional roller coaster that has no ending. No matter how much i distract myself and i admit when i do distract myself with things i tend not to think about the heartache, but there's only so much time in a day where trying to distract yourself just gets tiring. Is that what love does to a person? Today no doubt was the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life. I really admire all those people who have gotten through situations like mine. How do they do that? For me personally, its been hard. Throughout this day there were times where i would just stare out the window or just look at some random object hoping that i would never snap back and face what happened. And to top things off, everything reminded me of all the good times we had. For instance every time that i walk to my car...i think of her. There are even times when im driving ill stare off into the distance and look to the passenger seat to see if she's there. It hurts for me to just turn my head to the side. Whats worse is that every little beep i hear from a car alarm or whatever it maybe, it reminds me of my beeping noise from my phone whenever i get a text message. I really miss her so much. It is fucking hard for someone to just stop thinking about someone after thinking about them everyday for the past two plus years. Is it bad that i still miss her?????? i don't think so. Its just that i see other guys go through shit like this and they can totally erase that person out of their memory just like that. Today after hanging out with kris and kristian, i went straight to my bed and bam i started to cry for about ten minutes. I had to..i couldnt stop it. If you people think that its kinda gay for guys to cry then go fuck yourself. When i cried, i felt relieved a little bit, like it released some of my hurt feelings. Time heals all things. She also keeps mentioning "I want you to be happy." and my response to that is to say that im not happy unless im with you! Is there something wrong with me? Because in my past relationship, the same thing happened. We take a break and i wait while the other finds someone better. I dont really want to restrict my significant other from living her life because thats just not me. Story of my life! Falling short on everything or not being good enough. Lately i feel like drinking for some reason, maybe its because im depressed or maybe its knowing that i couldnt do anything to change your mind. As we speak, im a full glass of wine. I think im going to give myself a nursing dx: At risk for ineffective coping hahaha. After the past two days, i really feel like not studying my NCLEX book anymore. My rational to that is to try and recover a little bit before school starts instead of trying to study and have this on my mind. But i can tell you by the pace im going, im not going to be ready. I went to a farmers market today and was walking around and i started to hear this guy sing so i sat down with these empty tables with an elderly woman two tables away from me. He was singing a Garth Brooks song called two pina coladas i think. if you know me, i really don't like country, but listening to it, man it was relaxing for some reason. I couldn't explain it. Then after some Garth Brooks songs, he sang some Johnny Cash. Ive heard some of his songs before. i don't know i caught myself closing my eyes and listening to it. I could relate to some of the songs with lessons in my life so it felt good. So i gave the man a dollar as a tip because he deserved it. I know that was kind of off topic but yea. "Day by day". Man that phrase has gotten me through alot of shit. This time its different. The day by day phrase does wonders for my schooling, but its hard to apply it to this situation. Day by Day is like a struggle. I guess i can try to find little things that will get me through the days. I guess thats a start. Today i saw Ethan, and i thought man i envy that guy. he doesn't have to deal with this stuff. Im not saying that i want to regress to where im a little child again, im just saying they go through life not worrying about a thing. Tonight i also went to 24 because i didn't feel the same. So i just sat in the steam room for about 15 minutes. I closed my eyes and breathed in and out trying to clear my mind. Worked for a bit but when your alone in the steam room like i said distraction can only go for a period of time.

well this is all for now...im going to sleep cuz yea going to bullhead tommorrow. so i shall continue this tom.



well im here in bullhead arizona. if you have traveled over here with me or have heard, its a pretty long drive which doesnt help me take my mind off of things. i tried sleeping the whole way but woke up and felt bad for my dad because he had ben driving 85% of the way so i took over. It also didnt help when my dad fell asleep next to me leaving alone with the road ahead. John Legend is a great artisit i love his songs but man listening to them didnt help either. his lyrics on save room.."this just might hurt just a little, love hurt sometimes when you do it right, dont be afraid of a little pain, pleasure is on the other side". This does hurt, did i really do it right? im not afriad of a little pain, and what if pleasure is not on the other side for me? what if its just more pain and anger and depression. i found out that ice cream is not a good antidepressant. while driving, i caught myself again staring off into the distance going at a faster speed than i would like. my thoughts were focusing on questions such as man i wonder how long its going to take for her to not be confused anymore? man what if she falls in love with him? what if after a long time im still in love with her but she doesnt feel the same way and she has moved on? Should i even have any hope at all? i want to have hope, but i dont know if i should. i at least understood why i couldnt be friends with the one i loved while this other guy was in the picture. Its because of my last "relationship". I didnt love this girl but I decided to be friends with her still and yea it just released more anger. But this time its different. I actually love this girl. so if it were to happen the way my last relationship ended then i honestly dont know how i would reacted if we were still friends. Other questions that popped into my mind during the drive would be who would you die for? who makes you happier? i wonder if they're hanging out and having the time of their lives while im here. I wonder if shes forgotten me. I wonder how hurt she is? im pretty sure not as bad as me because she has another guy that she can go for while for me im not looking for anything. I also wondered when she said that i will always love you....does that mean she fell out of love with me and thats why she wants to explore these feelings that she has with this other guy? i wish that i had that remote in the movie Click <-- i really dont like that word. Man life would be so much easier. I could rewind and try better at everything or i could fast forward to when i would be happy again. But yea life doesnt give you those options. You have to live everyday even through the pain and struggles. i feel like i just want to sleep for 23 hours and be awake for one hour. Sleep is the only place that offers me complete peace of mind. I swear every fucking song is about love and yea for me its been everywhere on the fucking radio. I have this clock in bullhead that plays popular oldie songs. so i wanted to hear another song since it plays one every hour. So i pushed the button and freaking A. if things werent bad enough the song happens to be Michelle by the Beatles! FUCK! There have been times where i have said to myself "Brennan this is the right decision''. and other times i would think to myself man i just want to be her friend right now. At least i can talk to her or text her or something with her. But i know deep down in my heart, this is the right thing to do until she has figured things out. Her mom told me that maybe right now isnt the time where you guys are suppose to be together, maybe you guys will end up together in the future.... Only God knows. Man i wish i could ask God one question right now. It would be what decision is she going to make? That way i could prepare myself for the worse or the best. I dont have TV in bullhead, ive watched every movie that we have here so i cant distract myself. its too fucking hot outside and the air conditioning isnt working so i cant sleep. Ive been thinking about going back on the roof and just watch the stars again. havent done that in a long ass time so maybe itll be refreshing. it just hard to think that she said that i was the love of her life, but she likes someone else. That makes him the like of her life? i just dont get it. i know you say that your losing me, but i lost you. Maybe well be friends in the future i hope so because you were a big part of my life. You taught me so much about life. you were the one i turned too. you were the one i could share things with. you stuck with me when i was being a jackass. You were yourself around me. I love you very much. I dont know who will read this but if you think that im acting gay or something because of the way i feel then thats ok. Guys are suppose to be tough, yea were suppose to be but being tough and sensitive....is that such a bad thing? i know that im not the same and probably wont be for a while, but i hope everyone understands what im going through. I just want to apologize to everyone that i meet if i dont seem the same. I know that my family will always be there and i will always be there for them. Oh yea i also want to apologize in advance to people who ask about what happened and i dont want to answer it just yet. I dont want to answer it because just thinking about it or talking about it is going to hurt me. So until i feel like i can fully say that im ok or back to normal, im not going to talk about it again. I just realized i havent eaten anything all day and its 4:38 pm sunday and im still not hungry for some reason.




I just want to say to michelle thank you and i love you for everything that you've done for me. You were the first person and will always be the first person to have had my whole heart. Im sorry for everything that i couldnt and havent done for you. I know you never wanted this to happen but its your feelings and i cant change those things. This hurts me so much. Hopefully you have your time to figure things out and let me know about your decision. If we are to be together again in the future then thats fine, if not then thats fine too. I just want you to be your happy self again because the world is just a better place when you are you. To my friends..thanks for being there for me and once again im sorry if i just dont seem the same. Its going to take time for me like i said before i am my same old self again..... lov u all bren