Well, i havent been feeling any better, just spurts of happiness thanks to kris and kristian....i really appreciate what you guys do for me...but reality still kicks back in. i have moved past the anger stage and have slipped into the sad/depressed/ whatever your want to call it stage. i have no idea how to cope so i started to drink 3 nights ago ever since that day. I have also been losing sleep so I must say it helps by depressing my body and forcing me to become tired, but i know that in the end i should not have to depend on it. I havent drank so much in a long ass time. Tonight i drank 3.5 Guniess beers which are kinda strong, but yea i wasnt as dizzy. Usually im out with 2 but yea I think that my alcohol tolerance has built up these past nights. Yesterday we came home @ 130 pm because my dad was called to overtime. So we woke up @ 6 am and cleaned up the whole house and i drove the whole way. It was around 230 that i decided to try and nap. I remember that i was tossing and turning not even a little bit in a sleep stage. I finally fell asleep for only 30 minutes. so tonight i was worried that i wasnt going to sleep well thats why i bought some beer to help me. Man being depressed and 21 is not a good combination. Well today i remembered that i had to buy new guitar strings and that i was going to go with Michelle to buy them at Samash. So when i got dressed, tears came down my face because it reminded me of her again. I think that crying even if only for a coupe of seconds will help me get through the days. So i went to Samash and just bought it already so that i wouldnt have had to think about it as much. Today i didnt even bother to do my hair, i usually have my hair spiked up or styled, but today was different.....i didnt give a fuck about my appearance. Anyways back to Samash. I bought the guitar strings for my electrical guitar and my acoustic, even though my acoustic is perfectly intact, i figured with my luck these days my strings are going to snap off. when i came home i honestly didnt want to do anything at all....i wanted to lay down in my bed for the rest of the afternoon, but i was really restless. I felt like i needed to do something...so i changed my electrical guitar strings and played. I love my guitar...its been a big stress reliever ever since ive learned how to play guitar sophomore year in high school but today it wasnt working for some reason. I would play a beautiful chord and then the next one would sound like shit and i would try to find the right chord again and again...it got frustrating. i guess i just have alot on my mind right now to just be focusing on guitar. My mom asked me why i was sad...i answered with a "well what do u think". I dont think i can deal with my parents and them giving me advice with relationships because ultimately....their views back then are so much different from our views today and its my life.

fucking great...i have school and clinicals next week. I wonder if school will cause me more stress and cause me to drink more @ night to help me forget the pain and stress? I do wonder how long it will take you to figure things out? I mean kris brought up a good point saying that if it took a long time then thats a red flag.

-im 50-50 should i stay or should i go

-Man i still love her....


im finally tired

Brennan