I have felt depressed, lonely, angry, hurt( mainly the first four) , hopeful, prayerful, any emotion you can think of, i have felt within the past two days. Its been like an emotional roller coaster that has no ending. No matter how much i distract myself and i admit when i do distract myself with things i tend not to think about the heartache, but there's only so much time in a day where trying to distract yourself just gets tiring. Is that what love does to a person? Today no doubt was the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life. I really admire all those people who have gotten through situations like mine. How do they do that? For me personally, its been hard. Throughout this day there were times where i would just stare out the window or just look at some random object hoping that i would never snap back and face what happened. And to top things off, everything reminded me of all the good times we had. For instance every time that i walk to my car...i think of her. There are even times when im driving ill stare off into the distance and look to the passenger seat to see if she's there. It hurts for me to just turn my head to the side. Whats worse is that every little beep i hear from a car alarm or whatever it maybe, it reminds me of my beeping noise from my phone whenever i get a text message. I really miss her so much. It is fucking hard for someone to just stop thinking about someone after thinking about them everyday for the past two plus years. Is it bad that i still miss her?????? i don't think so. Its just that i see other guys go through shit like this and they can totally erase that person out of their memory just like that. Today after hanging out with kris and kristian, i went straight to my bed and bam i started to cry for about ten minutes. I had to..i couldnt stop it. If you people think that its kinda gay for guys to cry then go fuck yourself. When i cried, i felt relieved a little bit, like it released some of my hurt feelings. Time heals all things. She also keeps mentioning "I want you to be happy." and my response to that is to say that im not happy unless im with you! Is there something wrong with me? Because in my past relationship, the same thing happened. We take a break and i wait while the other finds someone better. I dont really want to restrict my significant other from living her life because thats just not me. Story of my life! Falling short on everything or not being good enough. Lately i feel like drinking for some reason, maybe its because im depressed or maybe its knowing that i couldnt do anything to change your mind. As we speak, im a full glass of wine. I think im going to give myself a nursing dx: At risk for ineffective coping hahaha. After the past two days, i really feel like not studying my NCLEX book anymore. My rational to that is to try and recover a little bit before school starts instead of trying to study and have this on my mind. But i can tell you by the pace im going, im not going to be ready. I went to a farmers market today and was walking around and i started to hear this guy sing so i sat down with these empty tables with an elderly woman two tables away from me. He was singing a Garth Brooks song called two pina coladas i think. if you know me, i really don't like country, but listening to it, man it was relaxing for some reason. I couldn't explain it. Then after some Garth Brooks songs, he sang some Johnny Cash. Ive heard some of his songs before. i don't know i caught myself closing my eyes and listening to it. I could relate to some of the songs with lessons in my life so it felt good. So i gave the man a dollar as a tip because he deserved it. I know that was kind of off topic but yea. "Day by day". Man that phrase has gotten me through alot of shit. This time its different. The day by day phrase does wonders for my schooling, but its hard to apply it to this situation. Day by Day is like a struggle. I guess i can try to find little things that will get me through the days. I guess thats a start. Today i saw Ethan, and i thought man i envy that guy. he doesn't have to deal with this stuff. Im not saying that i want to regress to where im a little child again, im just saying they go through life not worrying about a thing. Tonight i also went to 24 because i didn't feel the same. So i just sat in the steam room for about 15 minutes. I closed my eyes and breathed in and out trying to clear my mind. Worked for a bit but when your alone in the steam room like i said distraction can only go for a period of time.

well this is all for now...im going to sleep cuz yea going to bullhead tommorrow. so i shall continue this tom.



well im here in bullhead arizona. if you have traveled over here with me or have heard, its a pretty long drive which doesnt help me take my mind off of things. i tried sleeping the whole way but woke up and felt bad for my dad because he had ben driving 85% of the way so i took over. It also didnt help when my dad fell asleep next to me leaving alone with the road ahead. John Legend is a great artisit i love his songs but man listening to them didnt help either. his lyrics on save room.."this just might hurt just a little, love hurt sometimes when you do it right, dont be afraid of a little pain, pleasure is on the other side". This does hurt, did i really do it right? im not afriad of a little pain, and what if pleasure is not on the other side for me? what if its just more pain and anger and depression. i found out that ice cream is not a good antidepressant. while driving, i caught myself again staring off into the distance going at a faster speed than i would like. my thoughts were focusing on questions such as man i wonder how long its going to take for her to not be confused anymore? man what if she falls in love with him? what if after a long time im still in love with her but she doesnt feel the same way and she has moved on? Should i even have any hope at all? i want to have hope, but i dont know if i should. i at least understood why i couldnt be friends with the one i loved while this other guy was in the picture. Its because of my last "relationship". I didnt love this girl but I decided to be friends with her still and yea it just released more anger. But this time its different. I actually love this girl. so if it were to happen the way my last relationship ended then i honestly dont know how i would reacted if we were still friends. Other questions that popped into my mind during the drive would be who would you die for? who makes you happier? i wonder if they're hanging out and having the time of their lives while im here. I wonder if shes forgotten me. I wonder how hurt she is? im pretty sure not as bad as me because she has another guy that she can go for while for me im not looking for anything. I also wondered when she said that i will always love you....does that mean she fell out of love with me and thats why she wants to explore these feelings that she has with this other guy? i wish that i had that remote in the movie Click <-- i really dont like that word. Man life would be so much easier. I could rewind and try better at everything or i could fast forward to when i would be happy again. But yea life doesnt give you those options. You have to live everyday even through the pain and struggles. i feel like i just want to sleep for 23 hours and be awake for one hour. Sleep is the only place that offers me complete peace of mind. I swear every fucking song is about love and yea for me its been everywhere on the fucking radio. I have this clock in bullhead that plays popular oldie songs. so i wanted to hear another song since it plays one every hour. So i pushed the button and freaking A. if things werent bad enough the song happens to be Michelle by the Beatles! FUCK! There have been times where i have said to myself "Brennan this is the right decision''. and other times i would think to myself man i just want to be her friend right now. At least i can talk to her or text her or something with her. But i know deep down in my heart, this is the right thing to do until she has figured things out. Her mom told me that maybe right now isnt the time where you guys are suppose to be together, maybe you guys will end up together in the future.... Only God knows. Man i wish i could ask God one question right now. It would be what decision is she going to make? That way i could prepare myself for the worse or the best. I dont have TV in bullhead, ive watched every movie that we have here so i cant distract myself. its too fucking hot outside and the air conditioning isnt working so i cant sleep. Ive been thinking about going back on the roof and just watch the stars again. havent done that in a long ass time so maybe itll be refreshing. it just hard to think that she said that i was the love of her life, but she likes someone else. That makes him the like of her life? i just dont get it. i know you say that your losing me, but i lost you. Maybe well be friends in the future i hope so because you were a big part of my life. You taught me so much about life. you were the one i turned too. you were the one i could share things with. you stuck with me when i was being a jackass. You were yourself around me. I love you very much. I dont know who will read this but if you think that im acting gay or something because of the way i feel then thats ok. Guys are suppose to be tough, yea were suppose to be but being tough and sensitive....is that such a bad thing? i know that im not the same and probably wont be for a while, but i hope everyone understands what im going through. I just want to apologize to everyone that i meet if i dont seem the same. I know that my family will always be there and i will always be there for them. Oh yea i also want to apologize in advance to people who ask about what happened and i dont want to answer it just yet. I dont want to answer it because just thinking about it or talking about it is going to hurt me. So until i feel like i can fully say that im ok or back to normal, im not going to talk about it again. I just realized i havent eaten anything all day and its 4:38 pm sunday and im still not hungry for some reason.




I just want to say to michelle thank you and i love you for everything that you've done for me. You were the first person and will always be the first person to have had my whole heart. Im sorry for everything that i couldnt and havent done for you. I know you never wanted this to happen but its your feelings and i cant change those things. This hurts me so much. Hopefully you have your time to figure things out and let me know about your decision. If we are to be together again in the future then thats fine, if not then thats fine too. I just want you to be your happy self again because the world is just a better place when you are you. To my friends..thanks for being there for me and once again im sorry if i just dont seem the same. Its going to take time for me like i said before i am my same old self again..... lov u all bren